-ve

 I kept thinking how selfish I have been, for wishing to go first but also wanting to drag my mum and sibs along so that they would suffer less. But that coward self of mine is obviously too scared to make any attempts as I know how painful it could be.

How ungrateful I think I am for wishing to go to the past, because of the struggle to be my old self again. Struggling to look forward to another day, trying to list down blessings but the sight is too dark to find any. If I would have known my early years of youth would be like this, in no doubt I would trade my life for it. 

I was so happy few days back I had a dream where I went back in time, in my lovely dorm, my dormmates looked at me in confusion as I asked them what year is it, where my bunk is, where my locker is located. The feeling of me getting anxious for being late to school as I forgot where my old self put the uniforms for me to iron. The way where everyone loves me because I love them evenly. The joy of wanting to live for the next days as new things happen each day and me looking forward for weekends so I can sit alone in the middle of the dorm writing journal as everyone naps. 

I tried so hard to be that person again, but why is it so difficult to retrieve the energy I used to have. I bought loads of journals, hoping I can feel the joy of writing again. But they have been blank for years. I tried to live for the next days planning for new things but everything has been the same ever since.

I really want to crawl out of this dark world. This is not what I imagined my life would be when I was a kid. Am I really being ungrateful for wanting the stable mind I used to have? If I could not find happiness within, is it wrong for me to opt for the end of it?