Ditch

I made a very huge mistake by letting my guards down the first time i told myself that you are the one. 

And i have to clean all the mess i made the moment i decided to let you go and rebuild my walls up by force because i feel like it's very wrong for me to feel that way towards a person, which is you.

I spent years of my life, having my eyes only for the very one clueless person and now i have to train them back to unsee you.

For months i have been battling with my mind, making sure if the decision really has been made by saying 'if i love that person without reason, then why should i create one to make me hate him?' and some other stupid things that contradict between this determined mind and the loyal heart of mine.

I did ask for answers, and i received one. But the fact that i can't stop being stupid i asked Him for a clearer answer. Until i realised that that was a clear answer.

And i keep on battling with myself, forcing these hands to rebuild them shattered walls, taking all the time i have to make me into a person i was before you exist.

Unlike with someone else, having a battle with myself is very, very, very hard. I won on every other day but not today; i am drowned with my own thoughts. Hence, this entry.